Dad is the New Mom (and Vice Versa)

To be fair, statistically speaking, the title of this blog is completely untrue. Of stay-at-home parents, only 3.4% are fathers, and that's up from 1.6% in 2001. That said, dads care more today than ever about the things that historically only moms have deemed important. More than half of fathers say they would stay at home if their spouse made enough to allow for it, and most dads I meet are doing everything in their power to rearrange their careers to get just a little more time with their kids.

Whether because they must or because they choose to, both parents work in 59.1% of families with two married parents and children. Leaving around 41% with a stay-at-home parent (whether out of choice or because one parent is unemployed), and, as previously mentioned, only 3.4% of those are men. So, while it is a privilege, as a stay-at-home dad I am far and away a minority, which makes me a bit of an anomaly while toting my little lady around town in the middle of the week.

Parks on the weekend are full of dads. FULL of dads. Moms, if they are in the 41% staying at home all week, likely remain at home on a Saturday, as I often do, splitting their few hours of free time between getting chores finished that are impossible to accomplish with a babbling, pint-sized dust devil spiraling at your ankles, and pretending to relax while staring mindlessly at the internet and enjoying an uninterrupted meal. 

During the week, the parks are all but devoid of fathers. It's mostly moms, a fair amount of nannies, and me. And because it's just me, I am being watched like a lion wandering into a pride of lionesses caring for their cubs. Many are skeptical to say the least. For starters, if I am not constantly near my daughter, I look like a creep hanging out in the middle of a "work day" watching small children and mothers at a playground. Mothers and nannies meanwhile sit on the periphery chatting up a storm or staring at their iPhones, their children enjoying some time to themselves. In addition to avoiding looking like a pedophile, I have to avoid looking like a home-wrecker. Not only are moms protective of their children, they are protective of other moms. A man engaging moms on the playground instead of playing with his child, raises eyebrows. I'd like to say I'm better than these cynical moms labeling all males as aggressive, sex-driven threats to their children, neighbors, and marriages but in all honesty I too would cock an eyebrow if I saw a man sitting alone at a park in the middle of the day, or too involved with other people's kids or their moms (safety first, after all). 

Additionally, I must keep my cool at all times in public settings with my daughter. This, of course, is a good thing. Patience and responding calmly are necessary skills to have as a parent, but we all have our limits. If I see a mom lose her cool in public, I think nothing of it. Such an act, depending on the severity of said loss of coolness, is a daily occurrence and elicits looks of compassion: "Poor mom probably hasn't slept in days and obviously has her hands full with that kid." A loss of coolness from a man can be downright frightening. Most of us in my generation were raised to believe that dad is boss and kids listen or feel dad's wrath. I think my generation of men are becoming a bit more artful than our fathers at talking to our children, but it certainly is something we have to work at. Fortunately, my daughter rarely pushes me to the point of raising my voice, but she is reaching the age where she understands the word, "No," but feels the need to test whether it is a hard "No," (such as, "stop right now because you're about to kill yourself) or a soft "No," ("Please stop dragging the laundry I just folded all over the house because it's really annoying."). However, if I were to respond to her testing the way I hear moms respond to similar situations, people would flee like I was an escaped gorilla. There is no love for the frustrated father. He is scary, he is potentially dangerous, and he is to be avoided. 

On the peer front, stay-at-home fatherhood is largely viewed as laziness. It is, at the very least, not considered a job. Whether it's the constant replies of, "Oh, that must be so rewarding, you're so lucky," through tones of feigned sincerity that want to say, "Well, isn't that nice, you've found a way to avoid the hellish world of work," or overtly suggesting jobs I could be considering--as though I am not staying at home with my child but simply unemployed and hiding it in the guise of "staying at home with my child"--people on the outside don't get this familial distribution of responsibilities. It makes their brains hurt. It challenges their understanding of gender roles. It elicits thoughts, if not whispers, of, "That poor woman. She has to support her child and her deadbeat husband. That's so much pressure on a mom." People believe that working moms are doing everything, regardless of whether dad stays home. They don't get why dad isn't fulfilling his responsibility to support his family. They don't believe a man is capable of running a house and raising a child, and many think dad has lost his balls as they try not to cringe at his talk about nap-times and cute new behaviors his little girl is exhibiting. Women will tell you that a man playing with his child is like female porn, but that applies to working dads--dads with infinite energy and joy while spending time with their children on their one day a week--not the tired stay-at-home dad who is tasked with finding another day's worth of productive activities and may not always seem over-the-moon about being at a park for the fifteenth hour this week. 

On the home front, it is difficult for mom and dad to stick to their chosen set of responsibilities rather than defaulting to the roles they were prepared for by society. My wife runs her own business and is incredibly successful at it (part of our aforementioned privilege that allows us to choose to have a stay-at-home parent in the first place), but I run the family finances and constantly have my nose in the financial end of her business. Why? Because men are raised to believe we have an obligation to support our family financially and we cannot seem to let go of that ingrained need to play a role in the making of the money. On the other hand, my wife spends time she could be putting into her business pouring over parenting resources and sending me suggestions of things to do with our daughter. She worries constantly about whether I am overworked and puts more pressure on herself to give me "time-off" rather than taking time-off for herself. Why? Because women are, despite their progress in the professional world, largely still prepared by society to be homemakers who nurture their family and allow their husbands to focus on their careers. We all want to believe these stereotypes and gender roles have disappeared, but anyone who has children and a partner will tell you, they're alive and well (or, unwell, depending on how you want to look at it). 

I say all of this not to whine, but to enlighten (because I really do enjoy being a stay-at-home parent). Stay-at-home dads are a growing breed and even those of us who are not capable of staying at home full time still want bigger roles in raising our children. The general public discourse suggests that everyone wants this from men, but the behaviors on the ground are not as supportive of this redistribution of work. Women are fighting in the workplace for equal pay and equal opportunities while fighting the view that they are bad mothers for not staying at home. Men are fighting on the playground and at social functions to be taken seriously as nurturers  and homemakers while maintaining some shred of masculinity. Both genders are completely capable of taking over the traditional responsibilities of the opposite gender, but, both moms and dads need support in doing so. We're undoing thousands of years of indoctrination here. Women should not be pitied or judged as bad mothers for taking on the bread-winning role of the family and men should be given the same compassion, support, and respect that is given to women who give up careers to raise their kids. Just as women need to talk shop with men in their shared profession, men who stay at home need to be included in shop-talk with women who are running a household and raising kids. Men talking about the day-to-day development of their child, or complaining about mundane chores and the isolation of caring for a non-verbal (or semi-verbal ) communicator, still need to be considered men (if only for their ego's sake). And, a working women who talk to working men about the pressures of work instead of to other moms about their day-to-day life with the kids should be considered just as feminine.  

Currently, I don't see these things happening, and to be fair, they are complicated situations to navigate. It's hard for a working woman to talk about her career without making a stay-at-home mom feel judged for not working. Likewise, a stay-at-home mom might have a hard time talking about how glad she is that she gets to spend so much time with her kids without making a working mom feel guilty for wanting a career. With men, it's even harder, in my humble opinion. Men, in general, are far less sensitive to how they are making other men feel. In fact, I don't find that most working men care a thing about what a stay-at-home dad does all day. It's all they can do not to shake their heads in pity if I dare talk about my amazingly domestic and mundane life (never mind trying to convince them I enjoy what I do). Meanwhile, stay-at-home moms seem to inherently know not to ask another stay-at-home mom what she's been up to. The conversation immediately turns to where their child is developmentally, what they are feeding her, what she said the other day that was hilarious, and listening sympathetically as the other complains about going stir-crazy without other adults around.

It's a strange dance this blending and reallocating of traditional roles. It can seem like a petty predicament when placed in the scope of other social issues, but if we want true equality and true freedom for families to distribute responsibilities as best works for their goals, everyone involved needs a little love and understanding from their communities. Shouldn't the goal be happy, healthy, well-adjusted families? Does making money have anything to do with being masculine? Is feeding, clothing, changing, bathing, reading to, playing with, parenting (etc) a child not something a man can do? Is competing in the workplace and supporting a family financially not something a woman can do? Because it's happening, and many are having great success with it. What we need now is some acceptance from the rest of society.