Eat, Poop, Love

She's here! Our sweet bundle of joy arrived last week, and lest you think this post too cheery for a first time father of an eleven day old, let me assure you it has taken the full week and a half to find the time and mental acuity to write it.

The transition that has taken place over the last week has been something like losing a limb while blissfully intoxicated. The immediate life adjustment, adaptation, and acceptance is intense, but the warm flood of Oxytocin that overcomes you when looking at your child certainly takes the edge off. Why no one has synthesized this hormone and sold it on the street is beyond me. It's like meth but instead of losing your teeth and stealing from your friends, you tear up with joy while an underdeveloped, wriggling, emotionally unstable family member vomits down your back and yells at you while pooping her pants.

Yes, the proverbial shit has hit the fan, and as I learned two days ago, if a fan is near enough to a baby's changing table, the literal shit may possibly hit the fan as well. I should be clear, I'm madly in love with this eight pound product of our spring vacation to Maui. She's gorgeous. Perfect, in fact, and my wife and I both feel incredibly lucky to have had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery. However, I want to give a little more specific advice to soon-to-be parents then, "Get your sleep now!" (though, seriously, you should. You're about to lose your mind from sleep deprivation).

As I mentioned in my previous post, you can save yourself a lot of time and effort and toss your pregnancy books in the trash right now. This is all you need to know: Partners, you're job is to stay cool and be supportive. Period. That's it. You start reacting to this process like your partner is in her right mind and you've failed already. Stay cool, be supportive. Period.

Ladies, from what I've gathered, the best you can do is eat as healthily as your pregnant body will allow, exercise until the day your baby comes peeping out of your lady-bits, and resist the urge to romanticize the delivery process. I know I'm a man and probably shouldn't be telling women how to view the birth of their child, but I was there; I saw some stuff go down. It's not the mystical, miraculous day at the spa that some women like to portend it to be. It's more like going through a twenty hour bout with food poisoning while possessed by something of Exorcist proportions and tripping on a drug some guy (hopefully your partner) slipped in your drink nine months earlier that's just taken effect. But, biology willing, you'll live to tell the tale and have a new child that--I kid you not--will make the challenge of labor slip away instantly. I've never seen my wife so peaceful and content (did I mention someone should sell this stuff?)

So, moms and partners, don't spend nine months reading about where the fetus is in her development, or the delivery process, or worrying about every horrible thing that can go wrong, or every wives tale remedy you can engage in to make your baby a superior natural specimen. You have no control over these things. The doc will tell you if something is wrong. Eat well, exercise, avoid stress, hope for the best. Boom. Dozens of pregnancy books summarized in a four point plan. My advice? Read about the twenty years after delivery--the part you can control and may not have time to read about.

Other observations from eleven days of fatherhood:

1. Babies leak from every orifice all of the time.
2. They move their mouth and headbutt you like a rugby player when they're hungry. 
3. They scrunch their legs to their chest and turn bright red when they're pooping (followed by a dazed look of satisfaction, followed by crying if dad doesn't hop to it). 
4. They squirm around and squeak like a dog toy when they need to be burped. 
5. They look through you instead of at you. 
6. They like shushing sounds, lots of motion, and Yo-Yo Ma. 
7. They WILL vomit on everything you own.
8. They will occasionally wait until you get their diaper off to complete their bowel movement or urination. 
9. Sometimes they will roll around in said urine until they have successfully coated their back up to their neck. 
10. You will bathe your urine-covered thrashing ball of fleshy extremities, and you will smile while doing it.
11. Sleeping for two hours straight feels amazing after sleeping for forty-five minutes at a time for a week.
12. You will buy Crocks for back support and you will not feel like a total dork wearing them. 
13. You will do laundry every day despite not leaving the house for a week. 
14. Your wife's boobs are now "breasts." They belong to your child. 
15. Marathon runners and triathletes have nothing on women who've given birth. 
16. Evolution has equipped us with some badassery beyond belief.
17. Friends who bring food after you have your child are awesome. 
18. It will take three days to write a 500 word blog post.